Juicing Up My Kids

As my kids will tell you, I’m not the swiftest mom in the world until after 9 a.m. Personally I think it’s cruel and unusual punishment to make kids get on a bus at 7:10 in the morning Had I been around during the formation of this country, I would have written some sort of early morning protection clause into the Constitution.


The Lazy Mom Amendment - No mother shall be expected to have any of her offspring dressed or fed until the sun has risen. And under no circumstance shall the dressing and feeding be required to take place before 8 a.m.

I should propose it to the powers that be except they’re too busy reforming health care, jetting off to Argentina having affairs and hiking the Appalachian Trail. But if the Lazy Mom Amendment had been in play this morning, we could have avoided the breakfast fiasco in our home.

When the alarm went off at 6:30, I ignored it until 6:45 which meant I had just fifteen minutes to get the kids fed. I dragged my tired butt to the kitchen to make bagels and pour orange juice.

“Mom, the juice tastes funny,” Lauren said almost the minute she sat down at the table.

“It probably just settled in the container and I didn’t shake it up enough. Just eat your breakfast quickly.” I didn’t even look at the juice because I was watching the clock.

“It does taste kind of bitey,” Chris commented.

“It’s a little weird, but I think it tastes good,” Drew added, taking a big gulp.

“Bitey? What do you mean bitey?” I asked.

“You know.  It burns a little,” Chris said as he took another sip.

I grabbed the container and took a deep whiff. The orange juice had gone hard. I wasn’t serving my kids a nutritious breakfast. I was serving them morning cocktails, literally juicing them up and sending them off to school in an alcoholic haze.

Okay, so it wasn’t that bad. But I still say we need that Lazy Mom Amendment.