Thursday, August 6, 2009

GPS for Women

About two years ago Bob bought one of those car GPS devices which were obviously invented by men because men refuse to stop and ask for directions. Ever. You can be driving around in circles for three hours, but a man will not admit to being lost. Enter the male technological triumphant of the 21st century - a machine that tells you where to go.

Personally I hate navigating with the GPS, not in small part because it once told my husband to drive into a lake. I also hate the whiney female voice (I call her Martha) who says "recalculating" with a long suffering sigh anytime you refuse to follow her exact directions. Sorry Martha, I don’t care to drive into a lake, detour around road-closed barricades or drive the wrong way down one-way streets.

It’s not just the bad directions I dislike. I hate the way Martha tells me to turn in 50 feet at Henderson Road. If I’ve never seen Henderson Road, how am I to know where it is until I’ve driven close enough to read the street sign?

If a woman had invented the GPS, we’d get instructions like this:

"Turn left at the Dunkin Donuts up ahead. Actually turn into the parking lot at the Dunkin Donuts. Go inside and buy a chocolate glazed and a cup of coffee."

"Turn right at the boutique on the corner that sells the cutest earrings and necklaces which are half price on Fridays. Today is Friday. I’m just saying..."

"Continue 200 miles on I-95. So, now that we have time to chat, how ya been doing?"

"You seem tense. Turn left at the next stoplight and you’ll find a full-service spa on your right."

Now those are the kind of directions I need. Drive into a lake? No thanks.


  1. "Turn left at the Dunkin Donuts up ahead. Actually turn into the parking lot at the Dunkin Donuts. Go inside and buy a chocolate glazed and a cup of coffee."

    LOL! Give it the voice of Nathan Gunn and,OMG, when the mind-mites behind *that* GPS are looking for beta testers, call me. Heck, I'll even alpha test...right into the lake if I can have a doughnut and a iced mocha first!

  2. Leanna, this is great! My mother actually named Jeff's GPS voice "Naughty Nancy"--is there something a little disturbing about a future mother-in-law making such a suggestive comment about her future son-in-law's phone/GPS unit? Let's not go there.

    I still use the relatively old-fashioned Mapquest, which seems to an ancestor of sorts to your Martha--it attempted to get me to turn left in front of oncoming traffic on the interstate a few weeks ago (honestly, it would have been the quickest route as the crow flies, but I would have arrived at my FINAL destination before I reached my driving destination had I followed directions). I need to upgrade to your device for my own safety as well as the doughnuts--you know which kind!


  3. Every time I read your blog I laugh, call my husband over so he can read it, then we wonder, once again, when you are going to publish a book because you are such a clever writer.

    And reading the comment above, I realized how very ancient I must be. Sure, I sometimes use Mapquest, but most often haul out a real (now historic, I guess) paper fold up MAP.

  4. You guys cracked me up. Glad I'm not the only one who hates these GPS devices.

    KAK- go ahead and get your iced cofrees and donut. Listen to the voices inside your head, not on your dashboard. They'll never lead you wrong.

    Lynette - Are you Mapquesting off of GettoHeavenEarly.Com? Might want to avoid that site!

    Michele - Save that MAP device. That's going to go for big bucks someday in an antique store! :)