The Best Birthday Present Ever

Okay, probably not. 

My nephew Joe just turned 14.  For his birthday, I gave him a spade and a bottle of water along with this note.


MAKE YOUR OWN FISHING POND!!

Congratulations! Someone very intelligent and generous has purchased this one-of-a-kind gift for you.


Have you longed for years for your very own fish pond? Do you watch your neighbors in envy as the pull fish after fish from their ponds? Have the thousands of dollars in excavating fees kept you from having your own dream pond?


Well, dream no more. With this “do-it-yourself pond” kit, you too can realize your dream. Just follow these easy instructions and soon you’ll be eating the fresh fish you’re sure to catch.


STEP ONE:


Use spade to dig a very, very, big hole. Approximate digging time = 63 months. Digging time will vary depending on whether you dig without complaint or whether you’re one of those whiney sissy babies who starts complaining when your fingers fall off after 23 straight days of digging.



STEP TWO:


Pour water into hole. Water supplied is not enough for a typical sized pond. To purchase additional bottles of water, log on to www.you’re-a-big-sucker.com Bottles are a mere $2.95 each. (Suggested purchase for a normal size pond would be approximately 3 million bottles.)




ENJOY!!


**Additional kits can be purchased for the low price of $19.95 plus shipping of $53.00. Tell your friends. Tell your family. No one should have to live a life without their very own dream pond.

 
I haven't seen my nephew digging yet.  Maybe he's waiting for me to help so I don't miss all the fun.
 

Pond Slime

The kids and I recently made a mistake of epic proportion. We sent Bob to the grocery store with coupons.

Bob cannot resist buying something if he can save money with a coupon. (Love ya, honey and I do realize we’ll need that denture cream some day so thanks for stocking up). He returned from the grocery store with a carload of bargains which happened to include a can of cooked greens.

I don’t know where you find greens in nature, but I suspect it has something to do with the kind of green slime you find near really stinky ponds. The slimy consistency and noxious flavor of greens is increased ten-fold by canning them and letting them sit on a grocery shelf for months until some unsuspecting shopper with a coupon happens along.

I tried to keep my opinion to myself because my kids had never tried cooked greens and I didn’t think “disgusting pond slime” was the way to sell it. No sooner had we sat down to eat when the complaints started.

“Mom, this is really gross. Do you hate us?”

“If eating vegetables like this is what it takes to grow into a healthy adult, I’ll just die now, thank you very much.”

“Did Dad have a coupon for these?”

After tasting them himself, Bob swore he’d never buy them again even if lured to do so by a coupon.

He also had a coupon for children’s vitamins. Buy one, get one free. Good deal, huh? After the kids tasted them, they swore we were trying to poison them.

“But, Dad bought two bottles,” I said, ignoring their complaints. “Just eat them.”

Realizing, we weren’t going to budge, the kids hatched their own scheme.

So far, no vitamin burglar. But the kids did convince me to try one.  Let's just say these vitamins make canned greens sound like heaven.

It's Official

Lauren is now a Girl Scout.

We had our bridging ceremony where the girls left behind their days of being Brownie Scouts (or Baby Scouts as they liked to say because as third graders, they're much too mature to be toward the bottom level of scouting.)

They're now full-fledged scouts and I have about a hundred pictures to prove it.  Bob gave Chris the camera during the ceremony and because he's never been allowed to use the camera before, it was like letting a kid loose in a candy shop.  I'm surprised he didn't fill the memory card.

Below you can see Lauren in front of the giant cake my Mom decorated for the troop.  Apparently artistic skill skips a generation 'cause if I would have done the cake, it would have been covered with sprinkles.  Sprinkles and that's it!

Here we are getting ready to light the candles.  We practiced this about a dozen times because I didn't want to go down in Girl Scout history as the scout leader whose troop lit their hair on fire during the candle ceremony.

Here's Lauren anxiously waiting to take off the Brownie vest.

It's official. 

HAPPY BIRTHDAY CHRIS!

Happy 11th Birthday, Chris.....A month late. I’ve finally taken the time to sit down and write your birthday tribute. Life has been going at warp speed lately for me. Warp speed is your favorite speed setting, so I’m betting you understand.

You go through life with the kind of energy people my age admire and envy. Actually many of your fellow fifth graders can’t even keep up with you. You’re the fastest kid in both the fifth and sixth grade. Your need for speed has served you well this year as you started competing in 5-ks. You didn’t always win, but by the time Mom or Dad crawled to the end you were at the finish line polishing off your third or fourth juice box, ready to go again.

I can’t believe another year has flown by as you rocket your way from being my little boy to being the man I can already see you becoming. I know that this man will be honest with a clear sense of justice. Already, your favorite words are “it’s the only fair way.”

Every year you watch the NCAA tournaments with great excitement. You insist we all fill out brackets for a friendly competition to see who will win. There are no great stakes (winner picks ice cream), but it’s the competition that draws you in.

This year, you looked over my shoulder as I flew through the brackets with no idea of what I was doing.

“How are you picking your teams so fast, Mom?”

“Alphabetical order,” I answered honestly only to receive one of your customary “that’s not a fair way.” I’d have picked based on toughness of mascots had I known any of that information. Though in hindsight, Butler’s Bulldog totally could have kicked butt against the Duke’s Blue Devil and Butler lost so maybe that wasn’t a good way of picking either..

Ironically alphabetical order carried the day after the first round of tournaments.

“Maybe that wasn’t such a bad way to pick after all,” you were able to concede because you’re always willing to try something new when your way doesn’t work.

You’ve been learning a lot of new things this year. Earlier this month, you cooked an entire dinner by yourself. I stood nearby, giving hints like “you probably shouldn’t put hot pepper sauce on grilled salmon” and “don’t reach inside a hot oven without a mitt.” Not only did you make the whole dinner without major injury, but it was delicious and you were rightfully proud of your efforts.

I’m not sure where this next year will take us. But wherever that is, I’m sure you’ll finish first. Be sure to save Mom a juice box because by the time I finally make it to the finish line they’re usually all gone.

Here you are with your first place win.

MY pumpkin!

This boy loves his Grandma!
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

It's never too cold for you to play basketball!

 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

You lost a bet on the Superbowl (stupid Manning)!

Your battery is finally wearing down after a day at Epcot.

We Survived

Just got back from a week-long trip to Florida with the kids.  We survived the alligators, the heat, the out-of-control drivers and we made it 32 hours in the car without any of the kids killing each other.  (There was that one close call when a war broke out over a stuffed animal midway through South Carolina, but there wasn't any blood, so it doesn't count.)  The fact that all of us are still intact can mean only one thing - we're GOOD parents!

Here are some pictures of our adventure.

Here we are at Animal Kingdom on a safari tour minutes before an antelope parked its butt on the roadway causing the whole thing to shut down until the animal decided to move.  Don't all the safari animals know they work for Disney, not the other way around?
















Here the boys are "sharing" Mickey's Sorcerer hat at Disney Hollywood.  This is five minutes before the fight broke out about who got to take the hat home.  Just kidding!

Here we are waiting 45 minutes for a two-minute ride.

If we squeeze together tightly enough, maybe we won't be cold.

Grandma and Grandpa even joined in on the fun for one day.  That was all the "magic" they could take.

The boys tried on hats from every country in Epcot.

And last but not least---

Happy 11th Birthday Drew!

It’s been a great year watching you grow and mature, each day taking a step closer to becoming the man you will one day be.

This year I got to take you (and just you) with me to Maine to visit my friend, Nancy. It was so much fun watching you tubing, swimming and building castles on the beach. When Nancy mentioned a lobster bake with burgers for the kids who didn’t like lobster, you almost rioted until you learned you could eat the lobster too if you wanted to.

“Why would anyone pick a hamburger over lobster on the beach?” You asked me, clearly puzzled by such bizarre behavior.

During our wait at the airport, I enjoyed your detailed explanation of a book you’d recently read called the Lightening Thief. You encouraged me to read it too and when I did, you were all too eager to include me in your imaginary world.

Your ability to create pretend worlds and live within them overwhelms me sometimes. Dad just bought you the Dungeons and Dragons game and all I hear now are commands about the Dreck Elf fighting the Kobold Slinger with his arc power. Okay, I know I got that all wrong, but I just cannot keep up with all the details you so easily keep separated in your brain.

Besides being imaginative, you’re also inquisitive. We’ve taken you to church since you were little and you’ve always been the one to most challenge the minister with your deep thoughts. If God made the world, who made God? What kind of material would one use to build an arc big enough to house animals from the entire world? If God’s so nice, why did he flood the world and kill almost all the people?

Recently your questions became deeper and showed a more mature understanding of our faith and the power of God. I was so proud when you were baptized in January, but I’ve been even prouder of you since. You’ve made a real effort to incorporate your faith and moral behavior into everyday life. You’re kind to the kid at school who endures teasing from almost everyone else in the class. You let your brother play with your Star Wars lego plane even though you spent two days building it and there was a real possibility Chris would break it. And you pray every day for your brother and sister to understand Christ’s salvation and want to be baptized too.

I am so blessed to be your mother. I don’t always speak your language. I may never know what a Kobold Slinger is. I might not know what tree grows in the forest of Zandera. But even though I’m sometimes a foreigner in the World of Drew, I love that you invite me in and try to show me that trees can turn into elves if you’re smart enough to see the pattern in the bark.



Hanging out in Maine.

You found this sign in Tampa and
instantly took ownership.
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

.

Baptism Day - before and after.

Ready to "annihilate" your pumpkin.

Trying to drown out the noise of our terrible singing at your birthday party.

The Joy of Working Out

The boys turned eleven yesterday and I will be posting their birthday tributes soon.  Right now I'm getting ready for company so I only have time to share this with you.  Someone sent it to me last week because I teach aerobics.  Enjoy!

A WOMAN'S WEEK AT THE GYM

Dear Diary,

For my birthday this year, my husband purchased for me a week of personal training at the local health club. Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try. I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear. Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.

________________________________

MONDAY:

Started my day at 6:00 am. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes,
and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!

Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!

Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around.
This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!

________________________________

TUESDAY:

I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile.. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.

_______________________________

WEDNESDAY:

The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.

Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.

My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the hell would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would
help me get in shape and enjoy life.. He said some other shit too.

_______________________________

THURSDAY:

Asshole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes. He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny bitch to find me. Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.

_________________________________

FRIDAY:

I hate that bastard Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anaemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.

Christo wanted me to work on my triceps. I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the damn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich..

The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?

________________________________

SATURDAY:

Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..

________________________________

SUNDAY:

I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!